Letter submitted to the editor at People Magazine

Your magazine is titled, People. The title suggests that it actually represents just that, however, the multitude of stories you plaster on your cover aren’t about REAL people. They are about this superfluous group of the upper-echelon of our society that most of us have no real attachment to or understanding of. I applaud the magazine when your do focus on stories which tell about a true cross-section of the real world and give us a glimpse into a life that could very well be our own. Sometimes we want to escape, but other times we desperately want to relate.


So many recent issues focus on the celebrity pregnancy phenomenon of late. Everywhere you turn a new celebrity is sporting a baby bump. The media makes it seem like getting pregnant and having a baby is so easy and that we all should celebrate along with these stars. You have recently touched on the fact, though, that it is NOT that easy for everyone. The story you shared regarding Martha Stewart’s daughter reveals a harsher reality that a large number of women (and couples) face every day, the reality of infertility. I do respect the fact that the article did shed some light upon the hardships involved, but I still feel that it only began to scratch the surface of what infertility is really like. Martha Stewart’s daughter expresses how lucky she is to be able to go through treatments without dire financial consequences. This is sadly not a luxury most people can easily afford. I also know of all the coverage involving Brooke Shields and her journey through infertility. I do not take anything away from Brooke. She truly did suffer and knows the heartache involved in this process. She represents the situation well. However, she also had the financial freedom to continue pursuing her dream for as long as she wanted or could. She also received her miracles and happy endings. So many do not. If you want to know what infertility is REALLY like, I would love to introduce you to myself and a small group of amazing women that I am blessed to know.


I write to you because I am one of the suffering. I am one that looks at the pages of magazines every day and wishes so desperately that I could experience the same joys of pregnancy and motherhood that are displayed in every corner of the print and broadcast world. I listen to the lyrics of the song “I Would Die For That” by Kellie Coffey and think….that is exactly how I feel. I (embarrassingly) internally cringe, wince, and feel sad every time I see a pregnant woman on the streets, at the store, or at the gym. I am happy for friends that achieve this dream with or without effort, but also grieve for myself every time since I am not able to share in or relate to their experiences. At this point in my life, it is not in my cards to join that special club.


I am relatively young (33). I am in excellent health. I have an amazing relationship with my husband. In all of this I am blessed. But, part of me will be forever empty without being able to create and bear a child with the man I love. I suffer from mild endometriosis, but outside of that, there is no explanation for my inability to conceive. I have been through every test under the sun to no avail. I have been through a total of over two years of trying to conceive the natural way. I have been through almost two years of treatments as well. My husband and I have tried 3 rounds of Clomid, three IUIs, one fresh IVF cycle, and two FETs. The amount of shots I have received or given myself is too numerous to tally. I have managed to become pregnant three times through treatment, but have devastatingly lost all three chances at motherhood early on. Suffering from recurrent pregnancy loss or recurrent miscarriage is an added complication to our situation. I have been through all the tests related to miscarriage as well, but once again, there is no explanation for my situation, except for bad luck. Becoming pregnant in the future sadly does not guarantee us a happy ending.


I cannot even begin to put into words the roller-coaster of emotions that have accompanied our journey thus far. At this point, my husband and I no longer have the proper insurance coverage to pursue more attempts, and we do not have enough rainy day cash to pay for the treatments all by ourselves. And, although we are strong, we are not sure that we have gained back enough emotional strength to try again. We are in limbo. We do not know our fate at this time, but we have to hold on to the belief that we will be given our blessing in time.


I have to remind myself every day that I am nowhere near alone in my suffering. This sad but simple fact is what keeps me from feeling too sorry for myself, even when the proliferation of what I am feeling at a certain moment can seem suffocating. I am one of a countless number of women or couples who have similar stories. Infertility does not discriminate, and it is surely not kind. It affects people of all races, ages, religions, and socio-economic backgrounds. Look at ANY face that you encounter in your life on any given day, and that could be the face of infertility.


I have survived my journey to this point by gaining strength through each step and failure, and by knowing that I will be okay in the end, no matter the outcome. I try to hold onto the thought that I was faced with this challenge because I could handle it, where others could not. My marriage is stronger today because my husband and I have a faced all of this together. We share a bond that many others could not truly understand. In our grief and our perseverance we have grown closer.


My husband is not the only reason that I have come through this with my dignity, my sense of humor, and most of myself intact. I also attribute my “survival” to a special group of women whom I have never met face to face. We were all brought together by our similar circumstances, and by our need to reach out to others who could understand. We have been “by each other’s sides” throughout various parts of our journeys, and we continue to support each other every day. We have all found each other on the Fertility Neighborhood website on a posting thread entitled “Anyone in 2ww – 2007”. We share the good and bad times, and through it all have become great friends. We bring levity to our situations by talking about everyday topics in addition to the common link that brought us together. We come from NJ, MA, PA, IL, MI, CO, CA, Trinidad, Greece, and Australia. Some of us have realized our dreams, while others are still pursuing them. It is an amazing thing that we have found….true friendship and understanding.


This friendship and understanding is what is bringing some of our group together in person for the first time. We have decided to meet in what we are calling a “reunion”. At least 8 of us will be meeting up in Mystic, CT in October this year. Others are not able to come at the time for various reasons. Some of our friends are continuing treatment and cannot travel. Others do not have the financial means to join us given that they are saving up to pay for their next attempt. Others are living in foreign countries, and it just isn’t feasible for them to make the trip at this time. HOWEVER, we will ALL be there in spirit.


We come together because we all know what it is like to be asked every day… do you have children? We can share in the sometimes uncomfortable responses, trying to nicely shout out “CHILDLESS NOT BY CHOICE!” We understand members of our group who have a child, but who have suffered for them, and who are currently suffering to have another. We know the realities: you will not automatically get pregnant if you “relax”, you will not be granted a pregnancy just because you have now chosen to adopt, you will not be blessed just because you stopped caring. In other words, we have all experienced the same insensitivities put upon us by others who have not walked in our shoes.


Some people think we are crazy or too trusting to pack our bags and hop on a plane or drive to a destination to meet a bunch of people we only “know” from the internet. But, I can guarantee you, nobody knows me better than this small melting pot of women. Nobody understands my good days and bad days in a more profound way. I guess if I never get to realize my dream of being a mommy, I can at least say that I found the silver lining in my dark cloud: my other infertility warriors. I would have never known them had it not been for my struggles. Sometimes we have to dig deep to find our purpose in life or to find the meaning of our fates, but this group all believes that we have found those things through each other. We were brought together by misery and struggle, but we triumph through the unwavering support that we give and receive on this special board every day.


We all hope that by sharing our stories (whether through the support boards, through the media, or just through our interactions with each other) that we will help other people out there who feel they are suffering through this alone. We hope to educate in order to facilitate a better understanding with our “fertile friends” out there. We wish for peace for all of us in whatever form it comes.

CCT Results

The CCT is now complete, and the results are in. Everything looks really good, and I have a good ovarian reserve (good eggs).

FSH levels day 3: 6.3
FSH levels day 10: 4.0

E2 levels day 3: 26
E2 levels day 10: 178

They want the FSH levels to be under 10, and they like to see a decrease in the levels between day three and day ten. The E2 level on day three should be less than 80. On day 10 it should have increased. Mature follicles (right before ovulation) general have an E2 level of 200. With mine being 178, it indicates that I have one follicle near maturation and that ovulation will happen soon.

Anyway, since our results are good, we are free to continue trying naturally...and we are also candidates to do IUIs (and/or IVF) in the future if we want. All good news.

Clomid Challenge Test (CCT)

My RE with Kaiser suggested doing a CCT in order to find out if my ovaries are still acting their age. Everything else has been ruled out as an issue, so he felt it only made sense to do this one last thing. If everything is fine with the test, it means that we should be able to continue trying on our own, or with treatment....nothing really standing in our way.

The test consists of a blood draw on cycle day3, taking clomid from cycle days 5 through 9, and repeating the blood draw on cycle day 10. They are checking FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and estradiol (estrogen / E2) levels.

My cycle day three draw resulted in the following:
FSH level of 6.3 (anything under 10 is promising)
E2 level of 26 (anything under 80 is a good sign...mine is on the low side of normal, but not probelmatic)

So, now I am taking clomid (think moodiness, headaches / dizziness, hot flashes). Will keep you posted on the next results.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Great song and video! Very meaningful.

Not much to report....

Not a whole lot to report on here. Everything is going swimmingly here in C-O-L-O-R-A-D-O. The weather has been a bit sloppy and ugly here the past week, but we look forward to great weather in the week ahead. Last weekend we dusted off the mountain bikes and road from Parker to Cherry Creek Resevoir. Great ride, but a little much for the first outing of the season (about 40 miles round trip). We've been entertaining family and friends this past weekend (betting on the Kentucky Derby and celebrating Cinco de Mayo) and now have to get back to running errands and finishing up punch list items at the house. Nothing new on the fertility front because....we are done with that bit for now and maybe forever. Ahhhh...feels kind of nice not to be stuck full of holes and drowning in hormones. Gotta run....updates will be posted on an erratic and unscheduled basis.

Ground Zero

Well, we are now at a technical negative. I went to a clinic here in Parker to have my beta done again last Wednesday. It came back at an 8, which this lab considers a negative pregnancy test. I am all in the clear and have been released from my RE. Now, we do nothing but enjoy our new home, our new town, and each other. It feels kind of nice for a change.

The house is coming together quite well. EVERYTHING is unpacked, and most everything is put away and decorated. We don't waste any time. I love cooking in my huge new kitchen. It is quite lovely. To view some pics of the new place (we didn't take an exterior photo/nor did we take any of the master or the baths), feel free to visit our photo website: http://www.picasaweb.google.com/ritter911

Take care!

Track Marks

Well, apparently I get to continue adding to my track mark collection. My numbers on Wednesday last week were still positive at 26.2. My RE is requesting to still monitor my numbers down to negative even though I have moved out of state. I will be going for another blood draw this Wednesday and hoping for the best. I can't even begin to tell you how sick I am of this process. It takes twice as long to go through the miscarriage process as anything else it seems. Oh well.

We are now in our new home in Colorado. That is the good news! The bad news is the contract on our home in VA fell through, so we now technically own two homes. Oh joy! We desperately hope that it sells quickly now that it is back on the market. Wish us luck! It is beautiful in our new home and new neighborhood. The neighbors are great as well. I think this is going to be a great move all around for us.

On the move!

Hi all! This is Megan's husband Matt that is posting today. Megan wanted me to report that she must return for one more blood test as her hormone levels were still above 30 as of this morning. She will return on Thursday for one final test.

Thursday also happens to be the day we are moving from Virginia to our new home in Parker, CO. I have spent the last two months there at my new job and recently closed on a home for us. We are now in a golf course community with access to the Cherry Creek bike path system, which means we can ride from our home in Parker, through Cherry Creek, and into downtown Denver!! It is really one of the best bike systems in the country. Our home has views of Pike's Peak from the loft area as well as front range views from the master bedroom. We welcome all visitors, so book your flight today.

Talk to you soon from the Mile High City!

M&M

We have no bananas today...

I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. It has nothing to do with anything really, but that is what was running through my head when I was posting, so there ya have it.

My beta HCG levels were down again today, but still not low enough for me to be released. They came back at 69.5....uuggghhh! I have to test again on Monday, and that should be the last blood draw. Good thing, too, since we are moving next week. Oh well.

More on Blood...

I had my repeat beta test today, and my HCG levels are now down to 555. I have to go back in one to two weeks to repeat the test again. The levels must be below 5 before I will be "released".

On another blood note...we got the results of our chromosome tests today. Everything came back normal. So, the miscarriages are unexplained and just plain bad luck, I guess. At least we can try on our own without too much worry. I am still likely to have additional miscarriages if I have future pregnancies, but there is still a chance that I can have a healthy pregnancy too. It is all a numbers game...aren't statistics fun???

Blood Updates

So, first off, today was my beta test. The RE is going to follow my beta HCG levels down to zero. They came back today at just over 3000. So, they are dropping, but I still have a long way to go. I will go back next Wednesday for a repeat test.

Regarding the lab work-ups for Matt and myself: the chromosome tests are not back yet and will not be back for a few more weeks. The other tests that were done on me have come back. These tests show that I have a low RBC / am anemic (B12 and folate deficiencies), which has no bearing on anything really.

My MTHFR test came back identifying a single gene mutation (C677t). If this mutation is found in conjunction with high homocystein levels it is indicative of a clotting disorder that could cause miscarriage if not treated. My homocystein levels are actually below normal levels, so this was not the cause of my miscarriages. The only thing that I need to do if I get pregnant is to take larger than normal amounts of folic acid. Outside of that, all of my blood tests were normal. So, we will wait on the last of the tests to figure out if there is a concern or not. Stay tuned in the coming weeks for more updates.

D&C

The D&C was performed yesterday at Shady Grove in Rockville, MD. Outside of a couple of minor complications, things went well. I have low blood pressure to start with (was 105/70 after being hooked up to my IV), and my heart rate has a new tendency of dropping fairly low during surgical procedures. Such was the case yesterday, so they gave me some extra juice in my IV to start the party back up. Also, my uterus is supposed to contract following the procedure in order to control any bleeding. Mine, unfortunately, was just not in the mood. They had to give additional juices in the IV to get my uterus to cooperate, and I was sent home with more meds to keep things controlled. I had to take a pill at 6pm, midnight, 6am, and I have one more left to take at noon today. These pills will keep any additional bleeding in check, and I should be just fine after that. I have to take it easy for a few days while I begin to recuperate. Next week I will have to go in for blood work to make sure that my beta HCG levels are going down. They will follow them down to zero again. So, that is my story, and I am sticking to it.

D&C Scheduled

My D&C has been scheduled for 1:45pm on Wednesday, February 28th (today). I will have to arrive at 12:15pm to get settled into my lovely hospital garb and get hooked up to some juice. My gracious neighbor Angela has arranged to drive me there and back. (So no one is left out....my equally gracious mother-in-law had offered to fly out to be with me, but I certainly did not want to ruin a perfectly planned trip to Florida.) Batman will be at home waiting to take good care of me when I return later in the day. What a nice boy.

I have not received any results from our labs yet, but I will update the page as they come in.

Final Ultrasound - Next Steps

We had our final ultrasound appointment today, and it did confirm what we already knew...that this is another non-viable pregnancy. Due to the fact that the gestational sac and yolk sac are still growing, and the sac is not collapsing, I am going to have to be scheduled for a D&C next week. So, this will be the second surgery due to miscarriage in the past year. Not fun, but at least it will get this all over with quickly. That helps...

Matt and I both went and had our blood drawn today. We are trying to find any answers for why we suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL). Matt had one vial of blood drawn for karyotyping (checking for chromosomal abnormalities). I, on the other hand, had 14 vials of blood drawn to check for chromosomal abnormalities, clotting disorders or issues, and autoimmune disorders. We are almost hoping that they don't find anything wrong...chromosomal problems would be bad for sure. Anything else they could probably treat. If they don't find anything, it will just be left as unexplained, and we would still have a 60% chance of having a healthy pregnancy at some point (although we could still go through a few more miscarriages before getting there).

Anyway, that is the general state of the union. Not much else to report for now. Thanks again to everyone who has supported us during these difficult times. It is greatly appreciated.

Ultrasound Results - Very Discouraging

The ultrasound did not go well today. Although there was some blood flow activity, it might have just been from the uterus where the placenta is trying to attach. There was no obvious fetal cardiac activity, which you would definitely expect to have by this point. My yolk sac is now measuring far behind. I have to go back a week from tomorrow for one more scan, but my RE is very discouraged. It is more than likely that I am going to suffer another miscarriage. I will probably find out next week if I will have to have another D&C. At this point my RE wants to get lab orders to do chromosomal testing on Matt and me. She also wants to run labs to see if I have any type of clotting disorder. These tests could lend insight into why I suffer from recurrent miscarriages. I am holding off for right now because I am not sure that our COBRA insurance will cover it, and I am not sure if the new insurance will cover it either. I think those tests have to be expensive, but I don't know for sure. Anyway, that is the news. Thanks for all of your support.

Weather Delay

Due to the fact that we received 3.5 inches of SLEET overnight, my ultrasound has been postponed until 11:45 am tomorrow. My RE called me personally to say that she didn't want me to drive in all the way from Warrenton today. The whole metro DC area is basically shut down. So, check in again tomorrow afternoon for the results.

Sonogram Results

I had my sonogram today at 6 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy. I was hoping to see the heart beat today, but unfortunately that did not happen. I asked my RE if that meant we should prepare for the worst, and she said no. She said that there is no clinical reason for her to be concerned at this point. With frozen embryo transfers the development can sometimes be a little bit slower than with a fresh cycle. She reassured me that I am NOT measuring behind this time (which brings some relief). The gestational sac increased from 7mm last week to 15mm this week. I also now have a visible yolk sac and the start of a fetal pole (which will eventually have the heart beat in it, we hope). So, we remain on pins and needles until next Wednesday. It is basically a must for us to see a heart beat by that point in time. I figure it was meant to happen this way...my appointment is set for Valentine's Day, which is all about the heart. Right? Ok, maybe I am digging here...but I am trying to see things from a positive perspective. Given my past history, I will continue to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Keep praying or thinking happy thoughts for us!

Another little victory...

The ultrasound today went well. We only have one visible pregnancy sac, but it is there. The RE apologized for causing us any anxiety, but with my numbers he wanted to make sure that the pregnancy was in the right place. Well, the sac is in the appropriate place and is the appropriate size for this point in my pregnancy. The slower rise in my number could mean that another one or two of the embryos were trying to "stick" and started giving off pregnancy hormones initially, then stopped after not making it. We are scheduled for our first "real" ultrasound next Wednesday, February 7th. At that ultrasound we hope to see a yolk sac, fetal pole, and a heartbeat. These would all indicate a viable pregnancy. So, in another six days we hope to celebrate yet another little victory on this journey.

Note: after tomorrow, we will definitely be without a computer until at least February 7th. If you need to contact us, please use the numbers listed in a previous post. If not, we will update once the new computer arrives next week!

Hoping for the best, yet preparing for the worst

I had my final beta test today, and my HCG levels came back lower than they would have liked. My previous number was 5533, and my number today was 7203. They would have liked a 50 to 60% increase, and I fell about 1000 short of that. They are bringing me in early for an ultrasound. My appointment is scheduled for 8:45am tomorrow. The RE says that sometimes such high initial numbers means that more than one embryo implanted. If that happened, one of them might be lagging behind and might not make it, which could explain the less than perfect increase in my numbers. That would be a nice scenario, as one embryo could still possibly be ok. The other scenario would be that we could lose the entire pregnancy again. All we can do is wait and see what tomorrow brings. Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers....every little bit helps.

Just kidding...for now...

Ok - so, we will have a computer at least through Friday afternoon now. After that, our new home computer will be here around the 7th or so of February. We will be offline for a short period of time in between.

Getting to the point of the matter, my beta number came back yesterday at 5533. After the levels hit 1200 it takes between 72 and 96 hours for the numbers to double. Mine a little more than doubled in 72 hours, so that was good. My nurse said the rise in level was a good rise, and my number is a strong number.

My final beta test will be tomorrow morning. I will update the blog in the afternoon. I should be scheduled for my first ultrasound following tomorrow's beta results.

Thanks to all of our faithful supporters, lurkers, and fans!