Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Labor Basics and the New Philosophy

I willingly, albeit sadly, bow down to my lovely. You were right. You are right. You will always be right. How could I ever doubt you? I mean, really?

Labor Basics class sucked. We don't need no stinkin' labor basics class!

I signed up for both my breastfeeding class and the labor basics class with the hope that they would inform me and better prepare me for those scary and miraculous days yet to come. The breastfeeding class lived up to every expectation I had, and I was not disappointed in the least. The instructor was not a breastfeeding Nazi, but she certainly did shed light on all of the different aspects of feeding baby: the how to's and whys of it all...what can go wrong and why it will and how to fix it...and so much more. She was a consummate professional, and I give her a ton of credit. Job well done. Even the husbands (you know, the ones who actually attended) thought the class was nothing short of excellent.

Moving on to Labor Basics. I forced my husband to go. I did. You don't want to go to the wonderful and awe-inspiring breastfeeding class? Fine! But...you ARE going to Labor Basics, damn it! Well, might as well have just opened up my mouth and started chewing on my foot right then and there instead of being the pressurizing wifey that I was.

Did I mention that the Labor Basics class sucked???

First off, our L&D nurse / instructor apparently is not capable of separating her personal from her professional life. Quite a liability if you ask me. She started off class complaining about a fight (regarding some baseball game or championship) that she had gotten into with her oldest son. This spawned itself into a rant about arguing with children and how miserable children can be...really, we should just wait...but, alas, we will all know soon enough! Ummm...nice way to pump up a class of first time expectant parents. You know, make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside about the journey upon which we are about to embark. I could just feel the heat coming off of my spouse as he was trying to use his mind to cause this woman to spontaneously combust so he would not have to listen to another minute of her. No such luck. He hasn't honed in on that particular power just yet. Damn it!

About 10 minutes into the class (which was just text being read verbatim off of a projected computer screen, which was also text that was taken verbatim from the booklets sitting in front of us, all of which was apparently text taken verbatim from the video that we had to watch at the very end) this nurse / instructor abrubtly stopped and said, "excuse me...I need to take five"...and she rushed out of the room. We just sat there frozen. We thought, maybe she was sick? Or really had to pee? Or, perhaps she had a female emergency? Well, no...those would have all actually been perfectly justifiable reasons for pardoning herself from a class for which we spent $70 and for which we gave up our evenings. Her reason? The thought of what was going on with her son overwhelmed her / got the better of her / caused her to have a mini-meltdown, and she needed a break. Great. Did I mention that she works in L&D at the hospital where we are going to be delivering??? I hope she is NOT my nurse, and if she is, I hope to catch her on a GOOD DAY!!! My god!!!

No point in going on any further about the class. We learned nothing. It really was labor BASICS (thank goodness, though, for the girl with the 12 year old's mentality sitting next to me who I am not even sure if she is aware of how she became pregnant in the first place let alone knows anything about being pregnant or labor and delivery!). So, guaranteed, I know my lovely will NOT be back for round 2 on Wednesday night where epidurals, C-sections, and post-partum depression will be discussed. I am also pretty sure that the wife of lovely will be skipping class as well.

I think I have come to the conclusion that adopting the "just wing it" philosophy from my husband is the best course of action. Why not? Really, he has a point. Professionals will be there every step of the way: directing us to the right floor of the hospital, telling us when I am in active labor, telling us what to do at every stage of labor, telling me when to breathe and push, telling my husband when to be in the way or when to get out of it. No one is going to leave us alone to do this on our own. And, no one can really predict how our labor and delivery will play out. No amount of preparation can prepare you for such an unknown scenario. And, from what EVERY mother out there tells me...absolutely NOTHING can prepare you for the pain that labor and delivery brings with it. It is far worse than anything you are capable of imagining. So, I am done.

Lovely? Are you listening? You win. Let's just be our natural excited adventursome selves sprinkeld with perhaps just a bit of well-balanced naivete'...and let's JUST WING IT!!!


Megan P said...

Ut oh....I am about to have my Chlildbirth education weekend on Saturday and Sunday! It's 8 hours on Saturday and 4 on Sunday...I hope it's better!!

M and M: said...

I sure hope yours IS better than mine! Mine was only 5 hours total, over the course of two nights. Or, in our case...2.5 hours on just one. ha! Sounds like yours must get into a lot more detail. Keep me posted on what you learn! I might need to know!